the zhaf speaks

Thursday, April 29, 2004:

nomad

bugis first for pre-ap admin. then buona vista to replace ezlink. then school to submit ora jogathon card. about here my legs start feeling it. scurry down to orchard for a session with the members. then a weary march to hmv heeren. i'm far more than half-dead by now. to bishan in the rain to drop off stuff at the photocopy shop. finally home sweet home. lan eh, so many things to settle. i'm not even knee-deep in it yet. i just need more time, or energy, or both.

struggle, and struggle, and struggle some more. who says it's easy when you quit school? i still have exams to sit for, applications to settle and a million and one things to do. now if that left thigh would stop hurting. i need decoagulant, warfarin will do. right took me pretty long to get it. settle problems present and there'll probably be less in the future. or something like that. paying my premiums now for stability in the future?

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:58 am

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Monday, April 26, 2004:

relief

if what they said's anything to go by, i'm off the hook! no run-in with them pesky coppers then. phew.

this cannot be good. calculus bc and euro hist paper next week then chem and bio the week after. right now i feel utterly unprepared, unless i go load up on some ammunition this will be a waterloo of sorts. so it shall be, a temporary return to academia from tomorrow onwards. tight, real tight. gonna be awkward, i've shunned all things remotely academic for pretty long.

in days past i decided to follow a road less travelled, to dance to the beat of a different drum. it's been rife with obstacles. it's been exasperating because me and red had to figure it all out on our own. we've been lead on and played out. we've been knee deep in horse shit and to be honest, we're not out of it just yet. maybe my situation's worked out slightly better than red's. we've been kept waiting for ages. and of course the big culprits - british council - have been more than a tad uncooperative and unsympathetic to our situation. well but ultimately i'm done with my A's. that's that and after next week's AP exams i'll prob be a stranger to standardised exams for a long, long while.

it looks like i'll be enlisted with poly dudes after i quit school. now this will be interesting and horizon broadening. hell yeah all of ns should be, even if it is a waste of time somewhat. many nights i've wondered where i'm headed. to be honest i don't really care, as long as i'm happy. just anywhere, anywhere and everywhere, i don't care. dad and granddad oughta leave me be. all that shit that i should only consider medicine is starting to get my monkey up.

heard someone say the best friendships are those that need little maintenance. i don't know how true that is, but after such a long while it didn't feel weird to concur with timtay after what must have been eons. that quaint familiarity i don't really get anywhere else. it always seemed, still does, that his thoughts were more synchronous with mine than many others. but anyway after all these years he still never fails to amaze me. damn you read people well. you psychic or something? HAHA yes we were into that pretty much long time ago.

i take a step back. and somehow it seems that i have nothing to lose, as long as the most important thing is kept under lock and key. heck, i might not even need to do that if i can keep myself humoured. anyway after all this time i still don't know what to call this feeling. not happy. not sad. like when your emotions have gone on vacation. red and i call it chilled out. just waiting for something to come our way.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:21 am

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Sunday, April 25, 2004:

escape

a tune carried in the breeze. woodwind whispers of the muse beckon seductively to me. i rush headlong towards the source. the bass is pumping and the woodwind continues to haunt my ears, an ordered cacophony of sounds that ebbs and flows. now a rising crescendo that threatens to blow me off my precipice. and so i soar. texturally rough round the edges, but as i sink helplessly into the depths i find peace in the sonorously harmonised undertones, subtle and smooth as silk. a sanctuary of calm nestled in the madness and the chaotic miasma of sounds. here i find my personal fortress, my city of solitude. the ephemeral moments here send the adrenalin coursing through my weary veins and my heart skips a beat. epiphanous moments. a sudden awareness that the end is nigh and i surrender. screeching dissonance and the walls come crashing down.
"and all things must come to an end"
Linkin Park - Session

back to reality. tough times ahead. but i'm tougher.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 1:40 pm

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Wednesday, April 21, 2004:

hazy nights

few hours back i'm stoning at the busstop outside my house after a little prata. i'm having a few whiffs of the night air (ya right), mixed with contraband saturated vapour of course. i stare at the dazzling, bright lights of the petrol stations opposite. i'm thinking "job experience on my resume would be good, maybe i should work as a station attendant". well of course that's merely a guise for the more profound thoughts floating in my brain juice. then comes this mat sheepishly asking me for a fag. how can i refuse? hand him a stick and we hit it off from the get go. i got myself another happening member now (NO not that one, but yes that one's happening enough la). fancy someone as havoc as him hitching a religious teacher (!!!?!?!?!?)... kudos man.

this is old, ancient, wrinkled and wizened like father time. about 5 years old. maybe more. commercio-trash with semi-meaningful lyrics. wow.

Peach - Anywhere (Eiffel 65 Remix)

chorus
take me anywhere you want
take me back where i belong
take me anywhere my love has gone
take me anywhere you want
take me back where i belong
won't you take me where my love has gone?

just anywhere, anywhere and everywhere
just anywhere, i don't care
just anywhere, anywhere and everywhere
just anywhere, anywhere to you

[chorus]

tell me the way to the ground of my soul
a trip deep inside where we don't have to hide
take me in your world, let me swim to the sea
take me back, to the place i belong

welcome my soul in the moment of truth
a place to return to when there's nothing to lose
come into my life we will rise to the sky
nothing is real, just you and i

[chorus]

[end]

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 1:45 pm

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Tuesday, April 20, 2004:

kok

haha gay.

"Spring's Autumn"

seen on a poster in school.
wtF?

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 7:46 pm

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acquiesce

did i just do that? yesterday is yesterday's problem i guess. chilling out in the school library now, listening to mp3s heh. after yesterday there's so much i have to reexamine, rethink, revise. and the hardest part is trying to refrain from passing judgment. it's easy to condescend. if i were to castigate myself for every imperfection i have then i'd be mired in self-loathing till kingdom come. compassionately it wouldn't be fair to hold others to such high standards. then again i impose these standards on myself. so what now? hmm.

i wonder. is the story simpler or more convoluted than i could hope to unravel. the whole is the sum of the parts and i'd say our past is a pretty big part of us. though people change i think some things don't change, some characteristics in basic character remain static over the decades. problem is i'm just not sure which exactly these are. darn. looking at myself i don't quite recognise the zhafri of yesteryear. the stark difference between sec1 zhaf and j2 zhaf astonishes me sometimes. still at the core i've been the same all along. it's amazing how red trivializes his past so easily. future even. "red past is red past, only important thing is red now". haha. one helluva chillout mat he is.

someone from Way Up High attempting to drum some sense into my brain? as i took that walk down yck road last night i looked up and the sky was clear and absolutely beautiful for the first time in eons. right above me i saw a brilliant point of light. it wasn't flickering, so it must have been a planet. i gazed at it longingly, mesmerised. right above me, all the times i've taken night walks i've never seen anything that pretty right above me. man i wonder, what is your plan God? not complaining but i'm dying to know. but if i did know it'd take out all the fun out of life right?

tim tay if you're reading this i still have your xmas AND bday presents. grr. howard if you're reading this can you be a better handphone user and reply your sms and missed calls? red can you stop introducing me to new brands of fags? weiming i'm still hurt you ate my chocolates haha. okay enough. just really wanna cuddle my baby bro. just wanna fly away on the winds of change. just wanna escape.

how do i judge fairly without knowing the whole story? or who am i to judge? guess that's not my perogative, its God's. easy for me to feel out of place in this day and age. i'm trying to let go of the thorny portions of my past. it'd be hypocritical for me to bring up someone else's.

i am in dire need of bball.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 7:30 pm

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Friday, April 16, 2004:

30 days

what a difference a month makes. it's amazing how much can happen in the space of 30 days. like cramping the universe onto a pinhead. and my world has expanded considerably since knowing dino, ronald and restitching the ties that bind old pals and myself. pretty going mofos they all. and no it goes far beyond puffing the magic dragon. it's like seaweed digging a few miles into into the seabed.

love my new com, brilliant speakers exuding divine sounds. great graphics, scant loading times. oh yes did i mention the subwoofer is bloody tubthumping? feels good to be digitally connected once more.

currently carving out a somewhat comfortable niche for yours truly in limbo. temporary stasis while i wait for The Powers That Be to decide whether or not to admit me. and then there's the AP exams. the amount of material to trek through in european history is probably twice as dense as the amazon forest.

my big shot is coming. a chance to break out, break away, break free and soar.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:31 am

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